Welcome back to the best weekend movie blog on the internet. This is a big week, there has been a big build up to this week’s awards with Passengers campaigning without shame for any award they can get their hands on. Unfortunately for them they are going to be released on Wednesday. Since we can’t watch them this weekend they are not going to be in contention for any Weekend Movie Watchlist awards. Crazy move releasing a movie in the middle of the week. When you are going up against Star Wars though I guess crazy moves are the only moveses that will get you any sales. Before we get started I want to wish all of our contestants the best of luck and may God have mercy on your soul because it is named Star Wars week for a reason.
Saturdays are for the Boys Award
One of the classic three awards of the WMW, the Saturdays are for the Boys Award lets you and the fellas know what movie is the best to go see when you are about to get super lit on any given Saturday. And so the winner of the Saturdays are for the Boys Award is…
Rouge One
I know that not every bro in the world is a Star Wars fan and so this may not be a popular choice. But everyone has seen Star Wars right? Like even the broest of bros has seen Star Wars. If not all of them then at least the fourth one. You don’t need to know the whole Star Wars story to at least follow this one. Just know that Darth Vader isn’t a good guy and you are good to watch 2 hours of space ships and blaster battles.
Date Night Award
Another one of our big three awards in the WMW is the Date Night Award. Now this might be the most important award out there because it is the most likely to get you laid. Take your date to see the winner of this award and you just might have more sex than pre AIDS Charlie Sheen. Not really, no human being is getting close to the sexual activity that man once attained. So the winner of the award that will probably get you laid almost as much as post AIDS Charlie Sheen (cause we all know that dude still slays) is…
Collateral Beauty
This movie is a tough one. It definitely deserves this award because A) I don’t want Star Wars to sweep the big three awards B) If you bring a date to Star Wars that is bold. That being said if you have a girl who can watch Star Wars that is an awesome chick. Bring her to see Star Wars and then marry her on the spot. Shes fucking great. Not every girl is fucking great though and for those girls there is Collateral Beauty. Warning: Watching this movie may result in really sad sex or just dropping her off at the end of the night so she can go cry and tell her roommates about it and call her mom. On the chance this doesn’t happen, have fun.
Best in Show
The most prestigious award in the big three and all of the Weekend Movie Watchlist. This award is only given to the best movie the theater has to offer. The winner of this award is guaranteed to entertain you under any and all circumstances. The winner, of the most prestigious award in the WMW is…
Rouge One
Yeah, this should surprise no one. This movie is a genuinely good one. I have been a Star Wars fan forever (in case you hadn’t picked up on that) and this is one of the best movies. It was actually an original concept (yeah I’m throwing shade at Force Awakens) and it was the perfect lead up to episode 4. It’s the best movie that Hollywood has put out this week and that’s not even a compromise. This movie genuinely deserves the Best in Show.
And now for the specialty awards…
Peaked my Interest Award
The winner of the Peaked my Interest Award has done just that, it has peaked my interest. The likelihood that I would ever actually watch this movie is slim to none but I am intrigued by it. So the winner of this award that could best be described as “meh” is…
Manchester by the Sea
I am definitely interested in this movie. Casey Affack is in it. He’s definitely probably in my top 25 favorite Boston actors. There are a lot of movies that I will watch before I watch this one but I will probably consider watching it a few times before rewatching Goodwill Hunting to get my Casey Afflack fix (that exists?)
Do Not Watch in the Theater
This award doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t watch the winner but just don’t you dare go to the theater to watch it. It’s just a bad move to watch it in public. This award can be awarded for a variety of reasons but regardless of its justification, you should just wait for it to come out on demand. The winner of this award is…
Collateral Beauty
I know that this one won the Date Night Award but you should just really hold off on seeing it for a few months. I haven’t seen it yet because, while it looks like a great movie I also acknowledge that it looks so fucking sad and I am not a fan of walking out of the theater with my face all screwed up from crying. This movie will be far better if you are alone with a large glass of whiskey and you can just have a solid man cry. Like just watch this movie late one night, buzzed and let it all out. Man crying every now and then is as necessary to functioning as leaking the devil’s worm once in a while (day) is.
Nerd Boner Award
I don’t like to give out the same specialty awards two weeks in a row but sometimes there comes along a movie that just calls for an award and I think we can all agree that this week a movie has come along that deserves this award. Winner…
Rouge One
No contest here. This award is probably going to have to be decommissioned for the next month or two until Star Wars has made its rounds in the movies just to avoid it owning this award. But Star Wars is an all time nerd boner series and this movie is an all time nerd boner movie. This is such a nerd boner movie that I would absolutely bet that there will be a few people at some matinee shows who are rubbing one out in the back row to the perfect symmetry of this movie.
Snub of the Week
To get out in front of those who disagree with me I will acknowledge my mistakes. This award is going to the category of Date Night Award. And the movie that got snubbed is…
Manchester by the Sea
I don’t often question my choices in the big three but this was a tough week. I went bold and picked the big ticket, Collateral Beauty but I think that Manchester by the Sea would have been an alright pick too. Collateral Beauty won because it seems far more interesting than Manchester. Manchester might lead to some boring sex if you get sex at all from it. Collateral is guaranteed to be an interesting time either way though.
Stay Tuned
This award goes to the movie that will keep us coming back for more Hollywood and more WMW. Its going to shake up the line up and upset the balance of the cinema. And the winner is…
Passengers
I’m excited to see J Law and Chris Pratt in this Sci-Fi romance adventure thing. It looks like a great movie and they definitely have sex in it, so that scene is going to be worth the price of admission alone.
Snub of the Week II
Because no one can ever be happy. This one is for the Stay Tuned award and it goes to…
Why Him?
This movie was a genuine contender and I am kind of excited to see it. Not as much as Passengers because of the aforementioned sex scene but this one certainly has a claim on the Stay Tuned award and I will take a moment to acknowledge that… moments over. Passengers won. Get over it.
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