Welcome Back to the Internet’s most prestigious weekly movie blog, the Weekend Movie Watchlist. Now I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news but first I want to say that I hope everyone had a merry Christmas, happy Hanukah, swell boxing day (?), and I hope you have a happy new year. Okay, which do you want first, good or bad?
We’re going with the bad first: Hollywood done fucked up. This week there was a grand total of zero new movies released. So the theaters look the same as they did last week. So the WMW should be the same as last week. Right?
Good News: Wrong! The Internet’s most prestigious weekly movie blog does not take a break, even when Hollywood does. Like I said in the update, this is going to be the biggest WMW ever.
Its WMW 2016 edition. All movies that were released in 2016 are going to be competing for the greatest awards the WMW has to offer. So if you really want to go to the theaters this weekend, consult last week’s WMW because everything still stands. But if you want to take this weekend to reflect on some of the films that this year produced, read on!
Writers note: There are a lot of top ten or top twenty or top 50 lists of the best movies this year coming out this week. Be assured, this is not one of them. This is the Weekend Movie Watchlist mother fuckers, we compete for awards not rankings.
Saturdays are for the Boys
Lets say its Saturday. New Years Eve. Around eight or nine o’clock and you’re chilling with the boys, pregaming before you head out to a new year’s party. So what do you do? Throw on a movie to pass the time. What movie? The winner of the 2016 Saturdays are for the Boys award. Who won?
The Magnificent Seven
Great fucking movie. If WMW had been around when this one was in theaters it would have taken home a few of these awards. This one is easy enough to follow if you’re drinking with the boys and only paying half attention to it. And the ending is a thrill ride. Will definitely get everyone in the mood to go out and party like its 1879 (Those guys only lived until they were like 35, if you don’t think they were throwing rips constantly you’re out of your mind).
Date Night Award
Do you want anything more from new year’s than to get laid? Sure the whole, kiss someone to bring in the new year is great. Know what’s better? Getting laid to bring in the new year. So get laid this new year by showing a girl the winner of the Date Night Award…
Passengers
I hate to give this one to a movie that is still in theaters because it makes plans more difficult, but Passengers is the winner. There is not another date night movie out there that is as good as this one. Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence have sex! What more needs to be said. (If you want another option look at the snubs).
Best in Show
This award is going to the best movie that came out in 2016. If you were to only watch one movie this whole year it would have to be this one. The movie that earned the most prestigious award that the Internet’s most prestigious weekly movie blog has to offer is…
Hell or High Water
This one missed me when it was in theaters. It didn’t get a whole lot of publicity and so the box office was a little underwhelming, but what a fucking movie. The character development that this movie shows is unparalleled by anyone in the competition. It’s not so much a thriller as it is a thinker. I don’t throw around this term lightly when talking about movies, because a lot of movies are just movies, but this thing was art. The characters and the character’s relationships to one another were so authentic that I wouldn’t be surprised if the relationships that the actors have in the movie are real (they aren’t). The plot is kind of slow but it’s not a long movie (only like a hour and forty minutes). It’s not for everyone but it lives up to the award bestowed upon it and is the best in show.
Now for the specialty awards of 2016
Stay Woke Award
This award goes to the movie that shouted “Wake up America” the loudest. The government is watching us and no one cares, so what movie tried to finally make people open their eyes? Well the winner of the Stay Woke Award is…
Snowden
This movie is such a stay woke experience. I was actually considering giving it the date night award cause the love story in it is unreal, but the topic is controversial and it might end in you and the girl fighting so here it is with the Stay Woke. If you ever want a reason to dislike the government, watch this movie. If you never really bothered to actually figure out what Edward Snowden was all about, watch this movie. If you ever wanted to not walk around with your eyes wide shut, watch this fucking movie.
Nerd Boner
This award goes to the best nerdiest movie of the year. There were a lot of nerdgasm worthy movies this year but only one nerdy movie can be the nerd boner champ. Winner of the nerdiest award in the WMW is…
Rouge One
Is there a more classic nerd movie than the Star Wars franchise. This movie had so many little details in it that Star Wars nerds will spend the next 30 years analyzing and arguing over. It’s also a really good movie. It brought in 2 WMW Best in Show awards and a plethora of others. So it is with pride and no controversy that I give Jyn Erso and Rouge One the Nerd Boner Award
Nerd Boner Snub Award
Last week we had a flawless WMW. It would be unreasonable for me to expect such a performance 2 weeks in a row and especially when there are so many competitors in the field. So because I am not perfect, who got snubbed from the Nerd Boner Award?
Warcraft
There does exist a nerdier group of people than Star Wars people and those people play World of Warcraft. These people are ultra-nerds. They are the type of nerds that regular nerds pick on. Warcraft did really deserve the Nerd Boner Award. But they didn’t get it. What are they going to do about it? Nothing. Fuckin nerds. I snubbed them on purpose.
Don’t Watch the Ending
Do what the name says and don’t watch the end of this movie.
10 Clover Field Lane
This was a really good movie until the end. The end sucked. It made the end of the Sopranos look amazing. So watch the movie, cause it’s a really good phycological thriller. The only thing you have to do is just stop watching it with like ten minutes left. This is less of an award and more of a warning. Your welcome.
Super Award
This award goes to the best super hero movie. Its rare that we will get to see this one in the regular WMW because super hero movies rarely fight against each other, but since this is a special edition, it would be a shame to miss the opportunity. It was another big year for super hero movies but the best of the litter was…
Captain America: Civil War
There was so much action and so many huge battles in this movie. It was important for Marvel to make sure they were still the dominant super hero brand and that’s exactly what they did with this movie. If super hero movies are your thing and you haven’t seen this one yet, super hero movies aren’t your thing.
10 out of 10 Would NOT Watch Again
The winner of this award was a really good movie that I enjoyed watching but I could never watch it again. Winner is…
Suicide Squad
Critics hated it. People loved it. Seeing as I’m both a critic and a person, I loved it (fuck critics). I’m in love with Harley Quinn and Will Smith can play the fuck out of a likeable bad guy and all in all it was a good movie. I will not be rewatching it though. It would be underwhelming to rewatch it because I don’t think it was as good as it felt. So watch it once, then throw it away and savor the memory.
LOL Award
This will be the last award of the night (aside from some obligatory snub mentions) and since its always good to close on a positive note we’ll be closing with the LOL Award for the best comedy movie that this year gave to us. Winner is…
Sausage Party
I’ve watched this one twice now. I’ve found myself in tears both times. It’s Seth Rogen voicing a horny sausage, must I justify myself anymore?
Date Night Award Snub Award
(Yes the name is unfortunate, but my patterns dictate the names and I stick to my patterns.) I don’t like to have controversy among the big three awards but I promised you an alternative to Passengers and so here we are. The movie that got snubbed but not really snubbed is…
Deadpool
It’s not a typical date night movie but if your girl says anything, just tell her you’re not a typical guy (That’s a great line right there. Your welcome.). Deadpool was released on Valentine’s day and while it is very violent and very gory it has a solid love story. It’s funny, there’s romance, there’s action. Everyone’s happy. I don’t guarantee that this one will get you laid, that’s why it’s in the snubs and not taking home an actual top three award.
That’s it folks. Another year in the books and for the first time we put a year of WMW in the books. Stay tuned next year because there are some exciting movies slated for 2016, Fast and Furious and Star Wars are competing with the Bond films for the most movies in a series, Dunkirk may be making WWII movies great again, Amy Schumer is going to try and get her career back on track, and there are only going to be like 8 super hero movies. Its going to be a good year and you can keep up with it all on the Internet’s most prestigious weekly movie blog, the Weekend Movie Watchlist.
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