If you’re up on movie trends like I (the internet’s most prestigious weekly movie blogger) am you know that westerns are starting to make a resurgence. Quinton Tarantino has come out with two westerns in the past couple years. Chris Pratt and Denzel Washington made the Magnificent Seven together (Adam Sandler and the guy from family guy made a couple westerns but let’s just not talk about those.). So there are some quality westerns that are becoming a new wave of Westerns. Having watched these new westerns, it has become painfully obvious to me that I wouldn’t make it in the Wild West.

I don’t think I would be killed. I’m a decently peaceful guy and its not like I have any honor to protect, so I wouldn’t be fighting with everyone who insulted me or my family. “Yes, I am a yella bellied dog biscuit and indeed, my family is descended from rats, now have a good day.”

I couldn’t survive in the wild west because of how fucking vague every direction they give is. In all of these movies they will say something like, “meet me at the river in 3 weeks time”. I don’t even know how I would begin to follow those instructions. 3 weeks from exactly today? 3 weeks starting on Sunday? What time in 3 weeks? I don’t want to be hanging out at this river all day waiting for you. After 20 minutes I would get nervous that I missed you and leave. And where the fuck is the river in the first place? Let’s say I know what river you’re talking about, rivers are still pretty fucking long. Where abouts in the river am I supposed to meet you? What side of the river am I going to? It would be really fucking awkward if you showed up to the river and I was on the other side and I had to cross over with my horse and all my belongings in front of you. No one is specific when they lay out plans, which would be fine, if I could just shoot you a text asking what time I should be at the river. But I can’t. I’m not going to talk to this bitch for the next 3 weeks but I’m supposed to meet him at some fucking river. I need specifics when I’m making plans and if I don’t hear from someone for longer than a week, I usually assume they died or I offended them and we don’t talk anymore.

Another thing that happens in every western movie is a character gets sent off to track someone down. “Go to Phoenix and find my friend Wilbur, tell him we need to talk.”. That sentence is a very typical one for a western. That sentence also stresses me the fuck out. How am I supposed to find Wilbur? What does he look like? Do you have a picture? Where does he live? What’s he like? Will he be alright if I just show up? As it is, I text people, “I’m here” when I’m sitting in their driveway because I don’t want to knock on the door. If I do that, then I’m pretty sure I would just die as soon as I got to Phoenix. I would arrive. Be so overwhelmed by having to track down fucking Wilbur that I would just die. Or I would decide that I was going to fail this mission and I’d find a new place to live, far from the guy who told me to find Wilbur. Let’s see how easy it is for that asshole to track me down.

If you give me verbal directions to some place that is only a few minutes away. I’m still putting that address into Google Maps.

I’ve spent years mastering casual racism so that I seem like a good person to strangers. I couldn’t hang with these guys in the wild west who are blatantly and brutally racist towards everyone.

I am far too corrupted by the 21st century to ever be able to survive in the time of Billy the Kid, Butch Cassidy, and Clint Eastwood. I’m just glad that I realized this before the time machine was invented.

Recognize your inadequacies