Welcome back to the Internet’s best movie blog around. I’d like to start by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas or a happy holidays, please see the map below to see which applies to you. Thanks, war on Christmas.
So this is obviously a very special edition of the WMW. In addition to some great new movies being thrown into the ring this week we are going to give out a few holiday special awards because if you are anything like me, sometimes you need a little help getting into the Christmas spirit. So buckle your seat belts and get ready to celebrate the holidays with the timeless tradition of movie theaters and popcorn. (If you’re still struggling to find a last minute Christmas present for someone, a couple tickets to a movie never failed to help celebrate baby Jesus’ birthday).
Saturdays are for the Boys
We start like we always do with the Saturdays are for the Boys Award, let me put it out there though, this Saturday is Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve is not for the boys. If you and the boys are going out drinking on Christmas Eve, I will be judging you. The loophole to my judgement is, spend this time with boys who are related to you, far less douchy, almost the same result. So grab dad and a couple brothers and go watch this week’s Saturdays are for the Boys champion…
Why Him
This week’s champ is a little more toned down than what we are used to seeing with this award, but it is Christmas time after all. It’s the cast that really brings this award home. Walter White running around with Jesse Pinkman JR aka the strangest mother fucker in the world aka James Franco is a hilarious mix. This is a safe one to go see with the family boys but will still be a nice Segway to going out for a couple beers after. It really is the best of both worlds and a good compromise for the holidays.
Date Night Award
Christmas time sex. That’s the goal, isn’t it? It’s a magic better than the kind that’s powering Santa’s reindeer. How do you achieve it? You take a girl to see the winner of this award and the get freaky with Santa hats and jingle bells after. What you do with those props is up to you and her. The winner of the Santa Cosplay Sex Award is…
Passengers
Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Pratt have sex in outer space. Do I have to spell it out for you? I would suggest you have a spray bottle ready as soon as the shot with Chris Pratt’s naked ass comes on because as long as your girl is in fact straight she will be all over the closest phallic object. The spray bottle is to ensure it is the right phallic object.
Best in Show
This award is going to the movie that is all around the best one out there. It’s the one that you need to see. The one that you should cancel Christmas plans to go see. The one that your life isn’t complete until you see. That movie is…
Rouge One
I don’t love it when a movie takes an award multiple weeks in a row but what can I do? There is nothing out there that can topple this cinematic masterpiece from its prestigious throne. Even after a week in the books it still stands strong against the competition. If you haven’t seen this one yet you need to get on it, and even if you have, I won’t say that you should stay away from it, it’s worth a rewatch. That’s a big endorsement by the way. I don’t like watching movies more than once. They are boring the second time around. Star Wars definitely retains its quality against the test of time and this spin off holds to that rule.
Now that the big three are in the books, lets get to the specialties. These are for the movies still in theaters and when we finish those we are going to move to the Christmas Special Awards.
Honorable Mention
I want to get this one out of the way first because I had hinted at it a while back.
Passengers
A little while ago Chris Pratt and J Law had been making some serious moves in trying to pick up the best Marketing Campaign Award. I was really impressed with the efforts they were making and they probably had this award locked down. Then they fucked up. Their movie was released on Wednesday of this week, instead of Friday of last week which is what their marketing seemed to indicate. Then these two stars kind of went radio silent this week, the actual week of their movie’s release. They started way to strong and then released the movie after their hype had hit its peak. So I will honorably mention Chris and Jen’s efforts but I will not award them. Sad!
Fuck it, go see it
The winner of the Fuck it, go see it award, has widdled my reservations down so much that I have now decided to fuck it and go see it. That movie is…
Manchester by the Sea
Last week Casey Affleck and his movie had peaked my interest and gotten the snub for the Date Night Award. This week, after seeing all the critical reception it’s gotten and all the awards that it’s been nominated for, I’ve hit the point where I’m willing to say, fuck it, and just go see the damn thing. You know how around like 3 or 4 o’clock on Christmas day you’re bored out of your mind and don’t know what to do because all the presents have been opened and you’ve either eaten Christmas dinner or you are going to eat later? Well around that time is when you say, fuck it and just go see this movie. At the very least it’s going to be an interesting way to pass 2 hours.
Bye Felica
The winner of this award is one that will be leaving theaters this week so if you ever want to catch it on a screen bigger than your TV, this is your last chance. Winner is…
Office Christmas Party
I’m over this movie. It won a couple awards, including the Saturdays are for the Boys award, back in its prime. However, it’s prime wasn’t a great time for movies. It was big that week because Hollywood was small that week. This movie is a reminder of a dark time in WMW history and so I am ready to say, “Bye Felica” to it and everything it represents.
Don’t Netflix and Chill Award
This week in particular, it’s really tempting to throw on a Netflix movie and just chill at home in your pajamas. This award is for the movie on Netflix that you should just stay away from because it is not worth your time. So, this week you should not chill with…
Boy Hood
This one was just released on Netflix this week and I was pumped when I saw it on there. I had been really interested in this one because it was filmed over 12 years and tracked this kid’s life as he grew up. If the WMW was wielding cinematic justice back when this one was in theaters it would have brought a few awards home, including the Do Not Watch in Theaters Award, cause it looked like a tear jerker. This week I finally watched it. Fucking sucked. Ethan Hawk was the only thing that gave this movie any quality and he was barely in it. The characters all sucked, the plot was annoying, and the ending was such a miserable let down. Overall a massive disappointment and a waste of 12 years for everyone involved. Give this one a wide berth when you are browsing the new releases and if someone you are with says you should watch it, share this blog with them, or just share this blog with them anyway.
Snub of the Week
None. This week was flawless. I’ll admit when I make mistakes but this week it was pretty clean cut and everyone got what they deserved. Point to Doc. Time to fuck it up on the Christmas Awards
If that picture didn’t give it away, its now time for the Christmas Classics. This is big stuff guys, Christmas movies only come around once a year so you need to watch them when you get the chance.
Christmas Spirit Award
Every year I spend all December trying to get in the Christmas Spirit. The inspiration never hits and I feel no hype leading up to the big day. The only movie that can ever evoke the kind of Christmas Spirit that I used to feel when I was a kid waiting for Santa to come, is…
A Christmas Story
Every moment in this movie is an instantly quotable classic. Like every fucking moment. There isn’t a scene that doesn’t have some iconic quote or image in it. It’s incredible.
- “Fragile”
- “I can’t put my arms down”
- “Aww ffffffuuuuudge”
- “I triple dog dare you”
- “You’ll shoot your eye out”
I could go forever. Christmas Classic right there. Will never fail to get me in the spirit to celebrate Jesus and consumerism.
Christmas Comedy Award
There are a lot of reasonable contenders for this award but the clear winner is…
Home Alone
It’s another one that is packed with quotes and is funny as hell. The part where the wet bandits try breaking into Kevin’s house at the end had me in tears as a kid but now when I watch it I appreciate the comedy that is laced throughout the movie. Another true classic.
Best Cartoon Christmas Movie
Without having to explain what this award is, I will just go ahead and tell you that the obvious winner is…
A Charlie Brown Christmas
I appreciate all the cute little movies about Santa and his elves and all that, but Charlie Brown is real life. This movie actually tackles the true meaning of Christmas which I value way more than the story about a reindeer’s adventures (no disrespect Rudolf). The Peanuts specials are a staple for every holiday and their Christmas one is one of the best.
Best Hanukkah Movie
Since I don’t discriminate against the people that killed grown up baby Jesus and they have their own holiday this week I’ll give an award for their best movie. The best Hanukkah movie is…
Umm. I’m kind of drawing a blank here. You’d think that since the Jews control Hollywood they might make a movie for themselves every once in a while. Someones got to step up. Adam Sandler made your only popular song, now its time for Seth Rogen to stop making Christmas movies and make one about his own people. Better luck next year Jews.
Merry Christmas everyone, enjoy your movies responsibly and come back next week because we still have some quality cinema the horizon.
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