I absolutely have to start by giving props to the Stones. Those dudes have been making jams for fucking ever and this is no different. This song can’t hang with their hits like Beast of Burden and Satisfaction. Its like putting Fidel Castro (RIP)(just kidding, fuck you) in the same category as Hitler and Stalin. Like yeah he was a good dictator but he wasn’t one of the greats. But I would absolutely rather listen to anything that the Stones drop over just about all the new songs out there. They just have a different understanding of music than the bands out today. That being said, what is this fucking video???

There was so much shit that confused the fuck out of me. What’s the deal with the Zebra? Why is there a fucking Zebra in the middle of LA? I understand that it’s a different culture out there but I didn’t realize they had zebras running wild. I wonder if they are there to ease racial tensions in the diverse city #DeepThoughts. Why is there a burning wreck of a car sitting in the middle of the street? And what the fuck is with the creepy crack head cop that pulls over Kristen here and why is she going to hit him with a fucking crow bar? That seems like a bit of overkill for some guy who just wants to know where to get gas and probably some of Walter White’s blue meth.

The thing that had me most confused about this whole video: is Kristen Stewart hot? Like every time that I’ve ever seen her I compulsively look around for a condom so that I don’t catch anything through the TV. That’s how gross she always looks. The greasy ratty hair that probably still has vampire jizz in it. Ew… So gross. But here, she was kind of sexy. I would probably still wear a hazmat suit to bone her, but hey, I’d do it. I really didn’t see that coming. I guess anyone who is going to show off a body like that in a shirt like that while dancing to a song like that is alright. It also didn’t hurt that she knew the way to my heart was driving down Thunder Road like Danny Zuko in Grease.

I really don’t think Kristen was acting at all here. I legitimately think the guy directing this video just had the cameras follow her around on a Saturday afternoon and she actually almost ran over a zebra after licking a huge lollipop like it was #TeamJacob’s dick. It really seems like the type of shit that happens to this girl all the time. There is no way that was the first time that she has done a sexy dance at a gas station with no shoes on. This has to be a weekly occurrence at this gas station and there is nothing that the attendant can do to make her stop her sexy pole dancing/ air guitaring.

So as far as I am concerned the case of her being hot has been reopened. Its shit like this that mad this a cold case for so long…

stewart-gross

Good luck on your next performance Kristen. It will most likely decide whether you are hot or not.